Facebook What? Over the last six years my brain has undergone a transformation, leaving me unable to think about anything in more than 140 characters. Looking at my account now, I have sent 16,244 tweets, which seems excessive considering I can’t remember ever saying anything impressive during that time. I wanted to write something about twitter though, so I had a look through my drafts folder of my favourite app and discovered there was a definite pattern to my thought processes.

1) I’m So Drunk My Phone Refused To Post This Tweet

About fifty percent of my twitter drafts is an incomprehensible splattering of letters, which is worrying because the other fifty percent actually got sent. When I remember where I put my phone, I am a terrible drunk-tweeter. Suddenly the whole world needs to know what I’m doing or talking about, and it’s nearly always without context and makes me look like a maniac. More “hangover tweets” seem to send than the drunk ones, so I have no choice to believe that my phone is self-aware and not prepared to let me totally embarrass myself on twitter.

2) I Am Tweeting When I Should Be Asleep

Possession of a twitter account when you are bored or awake at 3AM is excellent, even if it usually means you are shouting into the dark. Unless my American bros are awake, my feed is usually a six post long journey through my dark bedroom, starting with what I’m watching on tv and ending with how tired I estimate myself to be the following morning. Sometimes the tweets are about the man snoring next to me (sorry boyfriend!). Sleepless Tweeters are more harmless than drunk ones, but both post equally meaningless drivel.

 

3) Maybe I Shouldn’t Post This Rant 

I’ve been warned before about moaning on an unlocked account. Y’all have a point. I cringe thinking about potential employers stumbling across my twitter only to see “this job fucking sucks” as the latest update. There are a lot of half-written laments at how I am unappreciated and underpaid in my drafts folder, where I’ve realised that what I am saying could get me into trouble. I still remember the days when friends got fired from their jobs for complaining on Livejournal.

4) The Internet Makes It Easier To Talk About My Flaws

Sure, I probably carry this into real life too. It’s a defence mechanism okay? Pointing out your own inconsistencies and issues is like, totally powerful and getting one in before someone else does. I have a lot of draft tweets which talk about my beer belly, ingrown hairs and lapses in judgement where I become a Terrible Person. Sometimes I change my mind about being so open (I forget, some people don’t dig that) but admittedly it’s the smallest percentage of my draft tweets. I have literally posted a photo on Instagram of my bloody, post-shaving leg.

5) The Moment Has Passed In Which To Say Something Funny

THE WORST DRAFT CATEGORY. There’s nothing more disappointing than composing a tweet, an excellent tweet, one of subtle humour or hilarious puns only to realise that your phone hasn’t refreshed twitter for five hours and your brilliant joke is late to the party. Within my twitter drafts is a melancholic hall of fame, a shrine to what could have once elicited a laugh. It’s a tragedy, or maybe I just take twitter humour too seriously?

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