Why Does Everyone Hate Taylor Swift?

This week, the tabloid news tells us that Taylor Swift has split from her brief relationship with One Direction singer Harry Styles. I don’t know why I felt the need to mention his band’s name, as I’m pretty sure even my Grandma knows who Harry Styles is by now. You can’t buy a scrunchie from Claire’s without squeezing past a gondola of 1D-themed keyrings, bags and necklaces. Suffice to say One Direction are huge, which has led to some assuming that “Haylor” was only a PR stunt to begin with. But hey, they went to the zoo. That’s a pretty cool marketing contract to have with someone.

When All Else Fails Try A Different Approach

This is the CV of Red Newsom, aged 24 and in Manchester,
who is currently seeking a full time job somewhere

Personal Statement:

I am a human being and I am doing my best.

Education:

The Job Centre told me to lie about my education in case I came across as overqualified. I’m not sure how a dual honours English and History Bachelors and a Masters in Creative Writing could possibly over-qualify me for anything, except the painting and decoration apprenticeship I was turned down for. And McDonalds, who told me I wasn’t what they were looking for.

I think really all these degrees show is that I can read and write to a more-than-acceptable standard. I am also good at meeting deadlines (ie staying up all night) and am skilled at passing off other people’s opinions as my own, which is useful when you consider things like “company manifestos”. Basically, if you needed me to write or communicate with someone I could do that.

Work Experience:

Because the only positions I have been successful in getting over the last three years have been temporary and part-time, my CV is a total mess and it feels embarrassing listing all the companies I’ve had to leave after a matter of months. I have never voluntarily left a job, except once in 2010 when I was made homeless unexpectedly. Does that count? I don’t like leaving jobs because failure disappoints me and change scares me. I’ll pretty much kick around forever if the work is interesting and the pay is reasonable.

I have had on-and-off jobs in retail since I was fifteen, ranging from hanging up old lady knickers in British Home Stores to managing a charity shop on weekends. So a lot of “using my initiative” there, especially with the latter. If the job I’m applying with you isn’t retail, I personally don’t think it matters because the skills I have are transferable and I am probably so bored from being unemployed that everything will seem exciting to me. I can learn fast.

One non-retail job example: I have worked as a Publicity and Marketing Assistant for two non-profit organisations. I worked for them simultaneously because the two directors “fought over me” because I gave a good interview. One of them calls me up occasionally to offer me the odd bit of work, so I must have been good at publicity and marketing. And admin. I’ve done a lot of admin.

At the moment I work at a bookshop, but they don’t have enough money to pay me so I will be unemployed again in January. I love working there because, as suck-uppy as it sounds to write this, I love ordering in books for customers and seeing their happy little faces when they arrive. Generally I try to be very chirpy and interact with my colleagues, although I am rubbish at the crossword. I try very hard not to take days off and recently worked an entire week whilst dying from the flu. I come into work even when I am hungover, which is serious dedication because my hangovers are really bad.

Other Experience:

I was an editor of an arts magazine that a couple of friends and I brought over from Keele University to Manchester. I did a lot of marketing, editorial decision making and layout design. I only left because the magazine started to take a turn for the fashion photography and that’s not my thing, but I’m involved with another group now who are putting out an ebook and a print publication next year.

I podcast weekly on a show called Zombie Cast, which speaks for itself in terms of content. I do seem to discuss what I would do in the event of an apocalypse a lot, ie; I am very forward-thinking. It airs live at 12.30AM our time, so being a podcaster has taught me great time management (fitting in a nap before the show) and how to function on very few hours sleep.

I am a responsible person with two cats who haven’t starved to death or gone feral at the time of writing this. I am pretty organised and love making lists. It really bugs me when my flat is messy and I’m thinking of alphabetising my books. I definitely walk the right distance between “enthusiastic” and “desperate” when it comes to having a job. You know, the constant fear that if you say no to working a Sunday you’ll instantly get sacked, that kind of desperate. Generally I do honestly believe I could be good at whatever I put my mind to. Unless it was something to do with bees.

*

I hope you will consider me for a job, Potential Employer. I know this isn’t how you’re supposed to write CVs but I have tried everything else. Everything. I thought maybe telling you honestly about me as an employee and a person thus far would be more useful than using the kind of “stock phrases” and blatant lies which end up in you employing someone who turns out to be rubbish.

Ghost Watch: How I Faded Away

It’s not a good time to be British.

I suppose I should relinquish the shock and surprise of another Conversative Party attack against the poor, since news reports seem to pop up every day now. Telling people what they can and can’t buy on benefits, making the unemployed work for free, and generally more cuts and hate-fuelled propaganda, with working people also coming up short. The stagnant “living wage” ensures the working poor continue to rely on benefits, leading the government to pit them against the “lazy, scrounging” unemployed.

At this point, you’d have to be a millionaire in order to justify voting conservative. Even our small-c, middle class parents must be questioning the wisdom of David Cameron as he advises twenty-somethings to move back home rather than claim housing benefit. Whether policy or a whacky idea, the Conservative mentality is a dangerous one that is dividing the country. Cuts to essential services, prohibition rather than education… It’s easy to sit in front of your laptop and feel doomed. How far will they push?

A Retail Christmas

Christmas. A time for everyone to relax, forgetting the cold commutes to work and the stresses of the everyday to spend quality time with the people they love. Presents are torn from their festive wrapping and we all sit around the table gorging ourselves on turkey and parsnips, pulling crackers.

Unless you work in retail that is. The companies that pay large sums of money to put warm, cheerful advertisements on our televisions and in our magazines about this lovely quality family-orientated time also conveniently rota in their staff to work straight through Christmas.

Things I Liked And Disliked In 2012

Wow, This year feels like a blur.

It’s a cold and miserable day at The Lowry Outlet Mall, so I’m looking back through my blog trying to remember what on earth happened in 2012. I can only get back as far as August.

I’ve probably blanked out a lot of things. The cafe job that I lasted three weeks at, unloading the dishwasher in constant agony. My adventures in telemarketing and begging to be paid each month. I guess it’s been pretty uneventful in terms of what I’ve personally achieved; whilst my boyfriend is set to become a movie star, I’ve completely lost the will to write and spent the spare time sleeping. I’ve been on-and-off depressed and on-and-off employed.

Whilst I can’t list my incredible life experiences this year, I can talk about things that are cool that I have enjoyed like books and films and fun stuff. And also crazes that I thought were crap and annoying. Ok, let’s go.

Reality Checked

Here’s the thing about me: I’m selfish.

For months now I’ve been living in a bubble of self pity. Nothing new there, you might joke, but recently I’ve been acting like the world is my own personal television show. Centred on me.

I don’t want to be that leading lady any more. I don’t want to act impulsively without considering other people. I don’t want to take the coward’s way out, seeking validation in places like the pub. No one feels validated in the pub for long, and I could bloody well do without the hangover.

Nope, time to try something new. A friend tweeted today with some good advice; “don’t let the tough times in your life define you”. I’d forgotten that. I’ve been on the slow decline since David died – turns out the loss of a good friend really messes with your head. Money is a constant worry too, and when I recently found out I’ll be jobless in January, something inside my head snapped and I was back in that impossible pit of depression that feels intangible and suffocating. But I am not my tough times. I have wonderful friends and probably the best boyfriend I could ask for even if I’d produced printable directions for the boyfriend-making factory to work by. I’m not stupid, at least outside of my crappy way of dealing with life.

Everything is really hard sometimes. I’m finally tired of trying to make it harder. Self-sabotage is tiring, and making everything as fucked as I think it is? Why would I want to do that? Because it makes me right? Seems ridiculous, especially now I’m writing it down so openly.

Sorry everyone for being a dick. I’m over it now.

How To Be A Good Customer

Let’s get this straight; I love my job. I much prefer retail to office work, because every day brings a set of new faces and occasionally some sweet regulars. Minimal admin work, lots of small talk. However, for every nice person you serve in a store there are a hoard of shoppers who don’t know their pleases from their thank yous. People can be exceptionally socially unaware when there’s a counter separating them from you. This is a short guide for treating your local cashier like a human being and in turn generating good karma for the rest of your day.