So I’m stuck at the call centre until seven, working in an overheated office with one window. We went outside for a cigarette and it was almost torturous, having to go back inside when the sun is shining so strongly. I need my vitamin D! Here is my list of demands that will make me more obliged not to pull a sickie this week. Probably.
I thought there was nothing more depressing that getting on a bus to work during winter, but feeling the heat of the sun hug me through the windows of the Number 85 was enough to make me want to quit my job and take up professional sunbathing. I work in a office which is basically one big space on the second floor, hired out to various small companies. “Why not,” I asked myself between two phone calls, “Why not do the same with the outside?” Students get to sprawl across the grass of a nearby park, eating takeaway salads and texting their mates to come join. Why not office workers? I can imagine me now, sitting on a blanket looking at spreadsheets and making calls on my phone instead of a crappy internet dialler. Seems glorious. And I think I’d get loads more done if I was simultaneously working on a tan.
Cigarette-Flavoured Ice Cream
It’s summer! The rays of the sun beaming down on you, the fresh smells of nature flourishing and nourishing itself in the heat. Now, I love smoking but when you’re suffocating in sunshine the smell can be sometimes overpowering. Cue cigarette flavoured ice cream. All of the addiction with none of the side-effects, ice-cold and plonked onto a chocolate covered cone for a smoker to lick at you leisure. So long as they leave off the “smoking kills” part, that would look terrifying in sugar paper. Now avaliable in cool menthol.
What’s the ultimate, old-fashioned, innocent way to enjoy yourself during the summer? Um, feeding the ducks of course. When you’re at work though it’s hard to find a space between slaving away to find a park. In partnership with scientists, I think employers should provide their workers with genetically engineered tiny ducks that you can place in water-filled Tupperware boxes. I know my lunch break would feel nicer if I was sharing my sandwich with an engineered duck. I would call him Rupert and he would have been specially bred to enjoy feta and chorizo.
Someone invent an emergency for me, stat!